Friday, October 31, 2008

...hErE wE gO aGaiN...

I have a knack for losing things. I can NEVER find my keys. I misplace important papers. I have to call my cell phone on a daily basis so that I can figure out where I last left it. It's a little annoying, but I'm used to it...and I just deal with it. Unfortunately, I have a knack for losing more important things as friends.

I must say that it's not like my friends and I get into a fight and go our separate ways. That might not be as bad I guess...because I would feel some sense of control then. Instead, I make friends with people that end up making major life changes and moving away. "Losing" is probably not the best word to use, because they remain my's just the we are not as close in we "lose" the ability to see each other as we have. When I "lost" heart was broken. I missed him more than I ever thought I would. I counted the days til he would be back...but plans changed and I realized he wouldn't be back at all. Again...sad...but I learned to deal with missing my friend because he was happy and that's what I wanted for him.

So, me and A (W's brother) became friends. We both worked at the same gym and sometimes we workout together. We've gone to lunch and we have a lot of fun together. He brings out a crazy side of me...I feel like a goofy 17 year old at times because I do the silliest, air-headed things when I'm around him. Sometimes, he makes me wanna strangle him...BUT overall...we have a great time together and he makes me laugh...hard.

A is moving out of the country in a few days. I won't be counting days this time, because I know he will not be back. A and I have not known each other or spent as much time together as me and W did. While we are good friends, we are not as close as W and I are. BUT I will really miss him. I'll miss working out. I'll miss laughing...loud and hard. I'll miss his cocky ways (that's a compliment in my book). I'll miss his helpful suggestions when lifting weight. I'll miss how he is always quick with a hug or a compliment.

I keep telling myself that this is good...that he will be happy...but then the selfish side of me emerges and I start to feel sad. I feel sorry for myself and wonder why...why can't I find a girlfriend that I have as much fun with as I do with my "boys"?...why do my friends go away?...why do I get so attached to people? I just feel like I'm having deja vu. Even though I don't spend as much time on a daily basis with A as I did with W...I'll still really miss his friendship.

Here we go again. Luv ya A...good luck my friend!

Monday, October 27, 2008

...mY nEw mAntRa???... response to yesterday's friend K says I need to adapt a new mantra that doesn't start with "I suck" or "I'm fat". If you haven't read it...stop, scroll down, and read it first...this will all make much more sense and I won't seem QUITE SO bi-polar!

Wow...this new self-love mantra business is gonna be harder than I thought. But here goes...
I am beautiful. My a** looks hot in my tight jeans and spandex workout pants. When I wear a shirt with words and people stare at my chest...they are not always reading...and they are smiling. When I wear legs look long and sexy. When I walk by, people stop and stare...not because I look ugly...because I look good. I am beautiful.

I am strong. When I compete in the gym, I do well...sometimes...I even "beat the boys". When I demonstrate movements in the gym, I can make them look easy...even when they are not. When I do a difficult movement or lift a heavy weight, others are impressed. I have a body that most women would want and I should be proud. I am strong.
There you have it. Today, I don't believe it. In fact, I'm embarrassed to post this...but I'm gonna say it everyday...and pray that one day...I believe.

Thanks K. Muah! :)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

...sOmeTiMeS i fEeL LiKe i'M LiViN iN a fUn hOuSe fiLLeD wiTh miRRoRs...

Have you ever been to carnival and looked into the "funhouse mirrors"? Well, somedays I feel like every mirror I pass is a fun house mirror. My mind is warped and so what I see is warped as well. I grew up never feeling pretty. I even had a boy tell me I was "UGLY" in junior high school in front of the entire class...what I wouldn't give to see him today!!! I grew up feeling like my Mom didn't like me...and my dad bought me diet pills in junior high. My mom and dad love me...that's not the point of all paint this sad pitiful story...I'm just trying to give some explanation as to why I just can't seem to EVER be happy with the reflection I see in the mirror.

The past week has been especially bad. I look in the mirror or I see a picture of myself...and I want to scream! I feel like I look so much bigger...fatter...but ALL my clothes fit me the same as they have. People tell me I look great, but that's not what I see in the mirror. I see wrinkles and a crooked nose. It could literally drive me crazy if I let it. I SO want to change the way I see myself. I SO want to see a beautiful reflection in the mirror.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

...yOu'Re a sOccEr mOm!...

My oldest daughter had a swim meet today and my middle child, also a girl had a soccer game. Since we haven't quite figured out how to be 2 places at one husband and I did what we always do...divide and conquer. Swim meets are kinda HIS thing, so I took the soccer game.

I asked my 9yr old where she wanted to eat before her 1:30 game...she said "Schlotzsky"s"...and away we, my daughter S and my son J (almost 7). Now, I had planned on working out BEFORE the never I was wearing my short running shorts, a blue tank, and running shoes. I grabbed my t-shirt that has my daughter's team name and number on it...the one I have had for a year and never wanted to wear...and just threw it on over my tank.

We got to Schlotsky's and right when I walked to the counter, a young (early 20s...MAYBE) girl immediately said, "Oh...You're a soccer mom!". I was taken aback for a couple of reasons. First, I'm usually either perfectly put together...tight jeans, heels, and a cute top...or in a tight workout outfit...this was weird attire for me...I try NOT to look "mom-ish". Second, people don't usually associate me with soccer moms upon first seeing me. I paused, stumbled over my words, and said, "Uh, yeah (nervous smile)..." and placed my order.

As I drove towards the game, my kids were watching a movie with headphones and I had no one to talk I was thinking how weird the whole "soccer mom interlude" had been. I was almost embarrassed when she asked me about it. Why? Because people associate soccer moms with being overweight...wearing tshirts with team names and numbers on them...having no life...and well just being boring...having nothing outside of driving kids to practices and being a mom. However, I came to the conclusion today, that it doesn't have to be that way.Yes, I'm a soccer mom...but I am so much more. I am a woman...a wife...a mother...a daughter...a friend...a personal trainer...a lover...a sister. I am also in shape...I'm (sometimes)...I'm sexy (when I WANT to be). I am a great mom and I love my kids...I would lay down my life for them...but I have a life...interests outside of them as well. I decided that instead of being embarrassed...I need to show the world that not all "soccer moms" are boring, frumpy women and more importantly...I want to teach my daughters that they CAN be moms and still do other things as well.No more being embarrassed of who I am or what I more apologizing for my age...from now on, I will be proud to say I'm a soccer mom...proud to show the world that not all soccer moms are alike!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

...oNe oF mY gReAteSt feArS... my greatest fear...getting old...saggy..."falling apart". Shallow? Yes. More important things to worry about? Yes. Will I stop? No.

I do not consider myself exceptionally beautiful, but I look pretty good. I spend A LOT of time and money to look my best. I can not imagine how hard it will be to wake up one day and KNOW that I can't run from my age anymore. The thought of going to the beach and having people stare...NOT because I look sexy...but because I look wrinkled and ridiculous in a bikini...PAINS ME!I can not remember a time in my life when I did not fear growing old. I was depressed ALL DAY on my 30th birthday. Next year...I turn 40. I can't even imagine how I will feel then! I wonder why this is so scary to me. When did this happen?

The interesting part is that I feel sexier and I think I am more beautiful at almost 39 than I was at 20! I'm an improved womanly version of a girl that was a work in progress. But I still dread the day that heads no longer turn. Call me shallow, but at least I'm honest.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

...mY LeTTeR tO a "sTraNgeR"...

Dear person marrying one of my favorite people in the world,

I know that we are strangers, but there must be some part of you in me and me in you. I say this because we see the same thing with different sets of eyes...a genuine friend...a brilliant mind...a kind and giving amazing man. I hope that you know just how lucky you are, and what an amazing step you are about to take. I hope that as you travel down the path of your life together...and as things change...and you each age...that one thing will remain constant...your love for each other. I hope that you will never become so busy with the everyday details of someday kids...that you lose sight of what it is that drew you together.

He is my dearest sounding board. At times I was the only woman there for him...there when others walked away. I was there to give advice. Letting go was not easy, but it needed to be done. Sometimes it is hard to know that I am no longer needed...hard for selfish reasons. But most of the time...I am so grateful that he finally met a person that sees what I have always happy that he loves you and you love him. Please treat him well...take care of him no matter what.

I wish you both all the love an happiness in the world.