Tuesday, March 18, 2008

...pOweRfuL bEyONd mEAsUrE?...

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
 but that we are powerful beyond measure.
 It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
 We ask ourselves, '
Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?' 
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God.
 Your playing small does not serve the world.
 There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
 so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
 We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. 
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
 And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people
 permission to do the same. 
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Wiliamson

I sat on my bed with a sandwich Saturday afternoon. I turned on the TV and surfed for something to watch while I ate. I couldn't find anything so I settled in and left the channel on a movie that I really had no interest in..."Akeelah And The Bee". As I watched...surprised that it was better than I expected...I heard a part of this quote. I put down my sandwich and immediately searched online for the quote in it's entirety. It was like a switch flipped in my head. I pride myself on the fact that I tend to see the world a bit differently than most other people...but this was something truly different...life changing...thought provoking.

"Am I really inadequate or do I pretend to be? Do I pretend because I am afraid? Am I afraid of my own greatness? "

I'm not sure that I know the answers to these questions. I do know that I have lived my life worrying about what others think...worrying that I won't measure up. What I didn't realize until I heard those words, was that I have not only lived in fear of not measuring up...but I have lived in fear of achieving too much. I'm afraid I won't be good enough and people won't like me...and I'm afraid I'll be too good and people will hate me for it. I'm not sure how to change the way I feel...how to harness the power that I have within...but I guess recognizing that it is there...is the first step towards truly becoming "powerful beyond measure".

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

...wOrDs tO liVe bY...

I love collecting poems and quotes, and I LOVE to shop! I have an addiction to buying workout clothes...and jeans...and shoes... As I was shopping for lululemon workout pants...(still haven't worked up the nerve to spend that much on a pair of workout pants...no matter how great they make a butt look)...I saw this and I LOVED it! It's from both worlds I love...shopping...and quotes. It's a bit hard to read, but if you click on it...it will enlarge. It contains some great "mantras", some good advice, and many words to live by. It made me happy, so I thought I would share...

Here are the top three things on here that I need to work on:




What do YOU need to work on???

Thursday, March 6, 2008

...mIss AlmOsT...mIss mAyBe...MiSS haLfwAy...

I love Grey's Anatomy. Those darn writers and their stupid strike really screwed it up for me this season. I have characters that I like and ones that I don't...ones that are in between...

I love George...he's the guy friend that is always there when you need him...when everyone one else has left or given up. My only complaint...he's such a tortured wuss sometimes...and Callie...UGH!...can't stand her. I call her "McNasty Man Face". Dr. Bailey...she's the bossy "Mama" that you can't help but love. Even when she's mad...she makes me smile. Christina is annoying, but I can relate to her torturous pursuit of perfection and her inability sometimes to be close to people...her fear of being vulnerable. "McSteamy" is a pompous ass...a hot, sexy pompous ass. He's the bad boy that we all love to hate...the one we know we can't trust...but still can't resist...still want. Sometimes, I think I'm one of the few women in the world that HATES "McDreamy". I don't find him to be desirable...in ANY WAY. He's selfish and indecisive. Alex...he's the guy that tells it like it is. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He's unapologetic...but when Denny died and he carried Izzy off the bed...I loved him. Speaking of Izzy...Izzy is my favorite. I love her moments of greatness that come out of nowhere...her "blonde brilliance". It is so unexpected...such a breath of fresh air. I love that she is so much more than the beauty visible on the outside. It cracks me up when she jumps to crazy conclusions...and they're usually wrong...like when she thought "Mc Nasty Man Face" wanted to "fight" her in the cafeteria. I can relate to her crazy moments when she loses it and freaks out...inappropriately...in front of everyone. I LOVE that she laughs at inappropriate times...I can SO relate to that one...just ask Dr. Collini!

And then there is Meredith...I have a love/hate relationship with Meredith. Her constant self reflection...her self absorbed rants...her never ending internal issues can drive me nuts...that's the hate part. But I can't totally hate her, because I can relate to her in some ways...not in the screw random people way...or the "me me me" way...but in the broken...damaged..."I have issues" way. It's hard to be strong and talented and capable and likeable...and indecisive and fragile and scared and difficult at the same time. I know because I live it...every day...so as much as she drives me nuts...I can't hate her because it would be like hating a piece of myself.

So often, I've referred to myself as "MISS ALMOST"...almost smart enough...almost nice enough...almost strong enough...almost pretty enough...almost skinny enough...I feel like I'm...almost...but never enough. When I got the Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack and heard the song, "Miss Halfway"...I said, "That's me! I actually hear those voices in MY mirror everyday!" That's me..."Miss Almost...Miss Maybe...Miss Halfway". Take it or leave it! Love it or hate it! That's me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

...tOO oLd???...

I have always hated the thought of getting old. Even when I was 13, I specifically remember saying that I was going to have plastic surgery when I "got old" and that I wanted to die at 35 because I would be "too old to do anything". Some things change, while others remain the same. Being older than 35, and in the best physical shape of my life, has changed my adolescent thoughts of what is "too old"...at the same time, being older than 35 also validates the fact that I don't want to get old. I hate wrinkles. I hate fighting gravity to keep my butt up where it should be. I spend a lot of time and money trying to look my best and not look like a frumpy old "mom". I feel like everyday, I'm fighting a losing battle against time. I do what I can, but believe me...no one is mistaking me for a twenty something!

I took my daughter to her first concert almost a week ago. I didn't really feel up to it physically being only 2 weeks after surgery. My sister was more than willing to take her for me and they would've had fun, but I wanted to be the one to have that first experience with her. As I stood there waiting to buy her a concert t shirt..I thought about how long it had been since I had been to a concert. It all felt so unfamiliar. I mean what happened to holding up a lighter during the concert? Now they sell flashing glow sticks! I looked around and saw all the girls...excited...squealing...wearing homemade shirts expressing their "love" for their favorite Jonas brother. When I looked over at my daughter smiling...her braces reminding me that my baby is growing up...I suddenly felt so old.

Where did the time go? When did I become middle aged? When did my every move become so "embarrassing" (according to my 12 yr old)??? You hear "old people" say that their life has passed in the blink of an eye...that they still feel young on the inside...which seems unbelievable when looking at the outside. We are told to take time to stop and "smell the roses"...to enjoy every moment...because time is fleeting. I always thought it was a crock...a bunch of crap...but I had a moment where time stopped for me standing there...surrounded by shiny braces and high pitched screams.

I realized that time is more precious than any of us think...that it will slip away from you if you are not careful. We should hold onto the "moments" in life as if we are trying to carry water in our hands. It will always pass...go away...eventually slip through our fingers...but we should carefully hold onto it for as long as possible...long enough to make memories. I realized that I can't stop time...I can't stay young forever...and wrinkles are inevitable. I'll probably always be embarrassing to my children...and I will never be 25 again...but I will always have the memories that I make.

The music started and all the girls' painful screams pierced through my ears. Everyone stood...even us "old" parents. My daughter started jumping...hands in the air...dancing with a sense of hesitation and the awkwardness that comes with being 12. I stayed still for a moment...knowing that any movement or enjoyment on my part would be humiliating to my daughter. I couldn't take it anymore! I threw my hands up and started to dance right next to her...waiting for her reproach. Just a short while earlier, she was correcting me for pretty much anything I was doing...and she wasn't being nice about it. I braced myself for some harsh words...but to my surprise...she turned and smiled and jumped a little higher and danced with a little more confidence. For a brief moment...I was young again...and together...we made a memory.