Friday, February 22, 2008

...soMetiMes gOOd guYs dOn't fiNisH LaSt...

Some say that good guys finish last. I hate to admit it, but being the ultimate pessimist...I have always agreed with this. I am not implying that it is bad or wrong to be a "good guy"...and I am in no way suggesting that guys should all be mean and reckless. I've just seen it happen with people I like way too many times...and I'm embarrassed to say that I had my share of crushes on a number of "bad boys" in the past as well. I can think of a handful of guys that I was so attracted to in college. It almost seemed...chemical...uncontrollable. I knew it would never last and I knew my heart would suffer in the end, but still...those were the ones I wanted.

Now that many years have passed and I am "an old married lady" that chose a "good guy" in the end...I see how dumb it really is...this stupid law that we girls perpetuate. It is funny that what I once did, angers me now when I see it happen to guys that I love... family... friends. I remember just about 6 months ago...I was feeling frustrated...wondering how a sweet, but immature girl that I know couldn't see how great what she had was...and worse...wondering why such a great guy would accept that and STILL want her after being hurt like that...more than once. I was so mad that she was breaking the heart of someone that I love, but my only solace was that I hoped that one day...she would look back and regret the decisions she made out of youthful ignorance...that she would see that she wasn't going to find a better guy than the one she was throwing away.

That "good guy" has struggled and been through a seriously life changing experience since then. He's been through some pretty challenging times...externally adapting to a new life...and internally finding balance in that new life. I've often wondered how someone so great could be alone...why he seemed to finish last in love.

Now...he is happy. Finally...he has won the prize...a prize far greater than the one he sought after for SO LONG. He has found his "exception"...the girl that is smart enough to see what the others did worthy of him. Nothing is ever certain. People can change over time...but I pray that for his sake...this is it. Lucky for him, there are exceptions to every rule. Lucky for us girls that fall for the "bad boys"... there are still "good guys" that keep trying and don't give up...even when they finish last a few times.

Monday, February 18, 2008


Most women don't want a big butt. Most women live in fear that their butt will look big in their jeans. Most women that work with a personal trainer want help becoming smaller...especially when it comes to their butt. Well, it's pretty obvious by now that I am NOT like "most" this way or in many other ways. I like my butt big and round.

My old trainer, my friend...he understood and he delivered...I had a big butt...a really good, high, big butt. But most people...most people think I'm crazy...they wonder why ANY woman would WANT a big butt. My new trainer is surprised by this. He asks, "Do you REALLY want a "badonka donk butt"? My brother asks me if I know I'm a white girl...and YES...I know I'm a white girl. Lots of people think it's a's understandable. So, one day, I'm talking to a big, body builder type trainer at the gym. We are talking about my diet habits...just random "workout stuff". And then...somehow...we got on the subject of my butt and my desire for it to be bigger. He laughed and said, "Now remember...there's a difference between quantity and quality!" We laughed and the conversation ended...but it got me thinking...not just about my butt...but about everything in my life.

The last few days...laying in bed recovering after surgery...I've had some extra time to think. It is so interesting to see who in my life is really here...when it's hard...when it's not fun...when I need help...when I have nothing to offer. I've always felt a bit sad that I don't have many friends...worried that I'm not good enough. I feel I'm missing out on something. I was home alone on was quiet...I had just woken up from a good, hard, drug induced nap. I was laying in bed, trying to wake up, and I decided to open my computer. A friend sent me an e-mail checking on me. After reading it, I thought about my friends and I thought about those words I heard not so long ago... "Now remember...there's a difference between quantity and quality!".

AHA! Everything became clear. No, I don't have a large QUANTITY of friends, but the few I have are QUALITY friends. I have a sister that is the best friend I will ever have. She's been there my whole life...she doesn't just know my history...she's part of it. She knows my darkest secrets and she has been a part of my greatest joys. We can speak to each other without saying a word. She can tell me things that no one else can. She is my greatest cheerleader. She thinks she needs me...that I am the strong one...but I know that it's the other way around. She is the reason that I tell my daughters, "You will never have a better friend than your sister." S, I love you with all my heart!

I have a dear of my favorite people in the world. I like him so much that I let him tell me what to do...and I don't let ANYONE tell me what to do. He has pushed me to my limits and he has comforted me in times of sorrow. He has helped me see the world differently and helped mold me into the best version of myself. No one makes me laugh like he does. He is far away now...and I miss him all the time...but even after all this time...when we's as if no time has passed. When we speak...I am happier than I was before. We can talk about anything...from frozen dinners to religion. He has an amazing...almost scary ability to call or text me at the very moment that I need him the most. He IS truly my real life super hero. W, I feel privileged to call you my friend!

I have a new new trainer. We are just beginning to know each other, but still he has shown genuine concern in times of trial. He has been my workout partner and has helped me accomplish one of the things I thought I would never do...because he refused to believe me when I said, "I can't." and he didn't give up on me. He has reminded me that there is always room for improvement. His texts and emails over the past week, have let me know that I may be gone but I am not forgotten. J, I haven't known you long, but I'm glad that our paths have crossed!

Last but not least is my husband...not only is he my partner and my love...but he is my friend. We may be two very different people with very different ideas at times, but we always find a way to meet in the middle. He has put up with me for many years...and he has sacrificed HIS wants for mine...many times. After almost 2 decades, we haven't run out of things to talk about. He has loved me for better or worse...fat or thin...happy or sad. He appreciates my strengths and forgives my weaknesses. He loves me when I am most unloveable...he allows me the space I need to grow...and he's given me the most precious possessions I have...our kids. I love you, P!

I've realized that while I've been looking for more...I should've of been appreciating the abundance of what I have. What I have, may not be great in numbers...but what I precious...priceless. What I QUALITY!

Monday, February 4, 2008

"i'M nOt a BoY!"

It seems like girls hate me. I have had some really good girlfriends in my life, but they have been few and far between. I wasn't a sorority girl. I've never had the big group of girlfriends that hangs together on a regular basis. All the "girls" at the gym take classes together, while I prefer to lift weights and flip know..."boy stuff". They all congregate and talk to each other...but they just stare and whisper when I'm walk by. I'm not sure why it is this way...but it is. It hurts my feelings but I can't change the way people react to me. I had to accept the fact that I'm different than most girls a LONG time ago.

Most of my friends have been guys. Guys don't create drama...they don't call to ask what you're wearing...they don't need an entourage to go to the bathroom...they respect strength and calluses...and they don't hate you for trying to look your best. I'm a pretty straight forward kind of person, so it's easy for me to offend girls...most of my guy friends have always found me to be funny...a refreshing change of pace. They don't take everything so personally. We girls...we tend to personalize everything. It just feels easier...more natural for me to be friends with guys...even now. It used to be alot easier than it is now. Now it's hard because I'm a grown, married woman with children. If I am not careful, people could get the wrong idea about my friendship with a man. It stinks because we can't really go to lunch or movies. Consequently, I spend alot of my "free" time alone.

When I was younger and single, there was always the fear of someone developing a crush...but that was never much of a problem for me. Even now, when I've had good friends that were men...I've had people warn me to be careful. I always laugh it off, because I never even imagine any of these guys being attracted to me in the least. In the movie, "When Harry Met Sally", Harry says, "It's impossible for a man to be friends with a woman he finds attractive.". I think that's I always feel "safe" with my guy friends. At the same time, I question the way they see me and it affects my self esteem. It bothers me.

The thing that bothers me is that I feel like my guy friends think of me as a I'm one of their poker buddies. I don't want them to be attracted to me, but it's hard on my ego. I want to be able to be friends, but I still want them to treat me like I'm a girl...I want to feel like they see me as...feminine. It's not that they are mean to me or treat me badly in any way. It's quite the's just small things. For example, I don't want them to spit and burp in front of me...because boys don't do that in front of girls that they respect. If they care what a woman thinks, they control themselves and are on their best behavior. I feel like the men at the gym...the ones that I can "hold my own with"...and my personal trainers that I come to consider friends...don't see me as a a lady. I know alot of this is my fault...I always try to be such a bad a**...I'm always so tough. The thing is...I'm not really tough...seeming tough is my protection. It hides how vulnerable I really am...but no one else knows that so it adds to the whole "boy" thing. I wonder if I come off as masculine. I don't mean to. I feel like I'm very feminine. I wear cute, tight jeans...I get my nails done...I have flowers painted on my toes...I'm obsessed with shoes...and I almost always wear high heels and makeup. It's so frustrating, because I wonder what exactly it is that I do that makes me come off as one of the guys.

I actually have to clarify one thing...the thing is...that I want my guy friends to see me as a girl...and if they treated me as such, it would be great. HOWEVER...I would ONLY want them to do this if they could remain comfortable around me...familiar. I would never want them to behave in a super professional, proper way when it comes to me. I LOVE that they are so comfortable around me...I just wish they could see me from both sides of the spectrum. I wish they could see that even though I'm strong and I work out hard...I'm also fragile and sensitive some times. I wish they could see that even though I sweat like a boy when I'm working out...that when I come home, I take off those sweaty clothes and I shower and put on makeup and high heels. I wish that they could see that even though I try not to be a baby about things and I never demand to be waited on...I still want to have the door held for me...I still want to be protected and treated like a lady. Some days I want to scream "I'M NOT A BOY!". I don't say anything because I don't want them to do these things because I tell them to...or out of pity or duty...I want them to see past the tough exterior and I want them to see me for who I am and treat me accordingly. I guess it's impossible to have things both ways. I just wish they could see me for what I really am, because what I a girl.