Thursday, January 29, 2009

a "MILF"?!?...wHo mE?...

I guess it was about 4 years ago...  I was walking through the mall with my 3 yr old on my hip and my 5 and 8 yr old trailing behind me with my Nanny.  It was crowded.  In fact, if I remember correctly, it was Christmas time.  As we walked past the food court, I noticed some young college aged guys staring, but I paid no attention until my Nanny looked at me and said, "OH MY GOSH!  Did you hear what those guys said about you?!?"  I, said, "No!  What?!?"  She made a funny face..."I can't tell you in front of the kids!  I'll tell you later."  My heart sank.  I assumed the worst.  I was convinced that they were making fun of me...that something was terribly wrong with me.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

We got to the car and my Nanny helped get the kids in and then came around to the back where I was loading shopping bags.  In a loud whisper she said, "Those guys were calling you a MILF!!!"  I guess I had a really puzzled look on my face...and in my head I was thinking.."OMG!  What does that mean?  Is MILF anything like FUGLY?  Did those guys think I'm ugly...or gross?  What the hell is a MILF?"  She giggled and asked, "Did you ever see American Pie?"  I replied, "No, I never had ANY desire to watch it.  Why?"  "Because!" she said, "Then you would know what MILF means!"  Exasperated and desperate to know, I asked..."What on earth is a MILF?!?!"  She looked a little uncomfortable and said, "A Mom I'd like toooo...."  STILL puzzled..."Huh?"  "You know, A Mom I'd like to 'F'!!!"  A slight pause and then it finally penetrated..."Oh! Oh..."  That was the first time I ever heard that expression...and while I KNEW I should be offended...disgusted...there was a tiny part of me that liked it.

So today...I went to lunch with my Sis at a restaurant that we frequent.  There's the sweetest, most hilarious gay waiter there.  He LOVES my sister.  When we got there, we requested his section and the hostess showed us to our booth.  Once I sat my purse down, I went to the restroom to wash the chalk off my hands from the gym.  As I headed back to the table, our waiter met me and gave me a big hug.  During the hug, he said "ALL the guys that work here have been running up to me asking 'Who's the MILF'?  My response..."WHO?  ME?!?!"  He laughed, "Yeah...YOU girl!"  It was as shocking today as it was years ago, but it really got funny when my sister told me to go over there and show our "friend" the tank (pictured below) I was wearing under my jacket. Me...being the oblivious idiot that I am...said "Ok."  I walked over to him and said, "So, I'm supposed to show you my tank, huh?"  He smiled..."Yeah, your sister told me about it!"  I'm not thinking a thing about lifting up my pullover to show what is written across my boobs, because after all...he IS gay.  What I didn't pay attention to, is the fact that he was NOT alone...there were lots of other waiters over there, when I showed off my...ummmm...shirt.  They all loved it...needless to say and it wasn't until our waiter came over laughing that I realized what I had done.  Through his laughter he said, "All those guys just walked up to me and said 'THANK YOU'!!!!"  Gasp!  "Oh my!  I didn't even think about that!"

Maybe it was yet another "blonde moment"...maybe it's that I just never can grasp the fact that I would be categorized as a MILF.  Either way...I'm still scratching my head...asking, "A MILF?!?  Who?  ME?!?"

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

..aN iNaUgURaL fUnnY...

Today is a historic day...not one that I have personally looked forward to...but one that I recognize as important nonetheless. I was gone all day and missed seeing any of the coverage of the inauguration on T.V. It seemed like I was going nonstop until I finally finished up at the gym and headed home around 6pm. I had worked out really hard and I was worn out. Once I got in my car to drive home, I ran through all the channels that I have set on XM radio. I couldn't find anything I wanted to hear so I pushed the AM/FM button to see what I could find on "regular" radio. The first station I listened to was a rock station and there was a commercial talking about what an important day this is and then the announcer says, "And now...a word from our former President!''. The next voice I heard was familiar...but it did not belong to President Bush. It belonged to Will Ferrell pretending to be President Bush giving a going away speech...and this is part of what he said,
"Well, Amerr-ca! I'm here to say...I'm leavin the White House and I'm goin to go tear Dallas a new party hole!...WOOO!  I'm gone...but don't worry!...that Tiger Woods guy is takin over!"
I laughed sooo hard...outloud...all by myself in my car...and after a loooong day that included a hair appt...lunch with my sister...a speeding ticket...some shopping...and a tough workout...I needed that laugh!  Thanks Will Ferrell for brightening my day with your humor!  Good luck President Obama!  I hope you deliver everything that you say you will...because if you don't...I'm afraid we are in trouble...

Friday, January 16, 2009

...MY "cOnFeSSioNs"...

Shopper...customer...client...buyer...browser...patron... consumer...all different words...with the same meaning..."one who visits stores in search of merchandise or bargains". I am all of these things. I LOVE to shop. I go through periods of time where it almost seems...compulsive...and then there have been a few periods of time where I hardly shopped at all. In fact, I remember calling my friend W at one point and asking "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SHOP THESE DAYS!!!" As you can probably guess...the "compulsive shopper" is probably more of the "NORM" for me than the latter.

I have always been the type to look for bargains...even when I didn't NEED to financially. I would get such a rush out of buying a $118.00 shirt for $30.00 on clearance...and buying DESIGNER jeans...especially at FULL PRICE...was unthinkable to me...until I bought my first pair of Seven For All Mankind jeans with my sis. I asked for more and my husband bought me two more pair at $200.00 a piece for Christmas. So, one pair didn't fit right and I had to go back to try another size...they ordered me a size and in the end, I realized that apparently these jeans were cut differently than ALL THE OTHER Seven For All Mankind jeans and returned them and decided to look for another brand. True Religion jeans were too low and skinny and the Rock and Republic jeans I tried on are made for 6 foot tall models..not girls with a nice round butt and athletic thighs. I mean for $300.00...they should make my butt look better than ever instead of "smooshing" it flat.

I was at the mall returning these ill fitting jeans and shopping for my daughter's 13th b-day presents. I bought her the Ed Hardy tennis shoes she wanted and then decided to stop into The Buckle to check out their Ed Hardy tees. I saw ALL these FABULOUS jeans and I was sucked in! The super cute, edgy sales guy with the torn up jeans, the cool Affliction t shirt, and the "million dollar smile" bee-lined for me as soon as I walked in. I don't know if he could smell my weakness or if he was just really over zealous but he was RIGHT THERE. Our conversation was like this...

SALES GUY: HEY...(leaning back into a "swaggar" of a pose"...looking me up and down but not in a really obvious way)...LOOKIN FOR SOME JEANS?

ME: UH, YEAH...BUT I'M WONDERING DO THESE JEANS (holding up a pair I like) HAVE ANY STRETCH IN THEM...

SALES GUY: I THINK SO...MOST OF OUR JEANS DO...ARE YOU WANTING STRETCH?

ME: I NEED STRETCH OR I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET THEM OVER MY THIGHS. MY THIGHS ARE ATHLETIC AND BIG COMPARED TO MY WAIST.

SALES GUY: I TELL YOU WHAT...LET ME PICK SOME STUFF OUT FOR YOU...AND WE'LL SEE HOW YOU DO (charming smile)...WHAT SIZE DO YOU WEAR?

ME: 27...SOMETIMES 28 IF THEY RUN SMALL...

SALES GUY:  (turns to walk away and looks over his shoulder and asks...) DO YOU HAVE ANY "SINFUL" STUFF?

ME:  I BEG YOUR PARDON? (really "dumb blonde" look in my eye I'm sure)

SALES GUY:  THE BRAND..."SINFUL"...

ME:  OHHHH...NO.

He comes back with like 10 pair of expensive, SUPER CUTE jeans and 5 tshirts and I started trying them on.  Now there were NO MIRRORS in the dressing room, so I had to walk out to look in the mirror...feeling ON DISPLAY.  He was right there to give his opinion.  The tees he brought originally fit my middle fine but were VERY tight across the chest.  Hmmm...what a strange coincidence!  I asked him to get me some Mediums and he told me my jeans looked good...and I have to say...my butt WAS lookin pretty darn good if I do say so myself...ESPECIALLY for a woman that will be 40 this year!  I kept tryin and found some really cute stuff, but at $150.00 and $200.00 EACH...it's not like I could just grab everything I liked.  I narrowed it down to 1 "Sinful" tee and 3 pairs of jeans.  I get to the counter and the conversation continued...

ME:  "WELL, I GUESS I'LL TAKE THIS PAIR OF JEANS ($150.00) AND WAIT ON THE OTHER 2...AND I'LL GET THIS 1 TSHIRT FOR ME AND THIS ONE FOR MY DAUGHTER."

SALES GUY:  YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT THESE OTHER TWO PAIRS OF JEANS???

ME:  OH, I WANT EM, BUT I'LL HAVE TO PICK EM UP LATER...I MEAN THAT'S 350.00 WORTH OF JEANS THERE!

SALES GUY:  PUT EM ON LAYAWAY IF YOU DON'T WANNA SPEND THAT MUCH RIGHT NOW.

ME:  LAYAWAY?!?  NO...I'M NOT A LAYAWAY KINDA GAL...(grimace...smile)

SALES GUY: (smile)  YOU CAN ALWAYS CANCEL IT...AND WE DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THESE STYLES...

ME:  FINE!

I walked out with hundreds of dollars of merchandise and hundreds more on LAYAWAY!  What the?!?!  I felt like I had just been involved in a Hit N Run accident.  I wasn't gonna go crazy..I just wanted 1 pair of jeans and a tee.  I think I even muttered, "What just happened?" as I walked out...but I KNEW..the same thing that ALWAYS happens.
So as usual..I tried to psycho analyze my decisions as I drove home drinking my yummy Sugar Free Strawberry/Vanilla Italian soda from Nordstrom.  Why do I go through these shopping cycles?  Am I happier in my life when I'm in the "NOT shopping so much" cycle?  When I compulsively shop am I trying to fill a proverbial "hole"?  Or am I just a spoiled brat?  Hmmmm...I think it may be a little of all of that.  I don't know...all I do know, is that I do LOVE to shop and I gotta STOP with the jeans!  I need to be more in control!  Sometimes, I think the ONLY way for me to be in control is to avoid stores altogether, because try as I might to "be good"...I AM A SHOP-A-HOLIC!
*BTW...just a little fashion "tid-bit"...the brand of jeans called Rock Revival that I bought at The Buckle...are actually made by Rock and Republic...the ONLY difference (besides actually being cuter in my opinion) is that they are cut for "more normal" people and instead of $300.00...they are $148.00.  So, if you like Rock and Republic jeans, check out Rock Revival jeans!

Monday, January 12, 2009

...aCt yO aGe mAmA...nOt yO sHoE siZe...


"ACT YOUR AGE!"  It's an expression that we've ALL heard...maybe even said at one time or another.  We all know what it means...or do we really???  Not too long ago, my husband and I got into a fight.  I can't remember what it was about...nothing really important...but I do remember that it was over a difference of opinion concerning SOMETHING that I was doing that he found inappropriate.  I remember him looking at me before he walked out of our room with disgust and saying "Why don't you just ACT YOUR AGE for once?!?!"   I had no response, but I remember being angry and thinking..."Act my age??? What the hell does that MEAN anyways?!?"

You see...here's the thing...you could not find 2 more different people than me and my husband, P, at times.    We don't fight too much...we usually get along just fine...and we do love each other...but sometimes I feel like a child...a bad, rebellious child.  I'm a good person.  I do the right thing...but I have a wild streak I guess you could say.  P NEVER swears.  I'm sorry...but I find it necessary to use certain words to get my point across...MANY have 4 letters.  And if I stub my toe...I will most likely scream "S***!"  
He hates that about me.  I love music...and I love all kinds...especially LOUD, hard, angry music.  I also enjoy the occasional hip-hop song.  I'm careful about what I play in front of my kids, but alone...anything goes.  P believes that if a song has the "F bomb" (as he "affectionately refers to it) in it or if a CD says "explicit content"...it should be OFF-LIMITS.  I am much more tolerant.  I like to look sexy...he is uber conservative.  I always feel like I am consciously "toning myself down" for him.  I could go on and on, but you get the point and it makes sense that he would say something to me like "ACT YOUR AGE!".

I know that it was supposed to be an insult...but in the end...TO ME...it wasn't.  I mean what does it mean to "act your age" anyway?  Does it mean that you have to be serious and uptight?  Does it mean that you have to look and behave like a prude?  Does it mean sitting at home and going to bed early?  Does it mean refraining from loud laughter and being offended when the boys at the gym make jokes or a rapper sings about big butts?  I mean really...what does it MEAN to "ACT MY AGE"?  How is a 39 yr old SUPPOSED to act?

I've decided that the answer doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter because I am who I am.  So what if I swear...or laugh too loud sometimes...or listen to music marked explicit...or wanna look sexy...  Maybe I don't want to act my age!

Friday, January 9, 2009

…woRk oUt “tOuReTTes”…

I love to workout alongside the guys at my gym. I love it, because they push me without saying a word. I run faster…I go harder and longer…I do one more rep without stopping…all because I want to beat them. This is funny...because the few guys I am specifically trying to beat...are pretty strong guys…at least 10 yrs younger than me…all men…all ex-military. I can’t beat them usually…but still…I try and I’ll NEVER stop trying.

Sometimes…almost EVERY time…I am in serious pain during a workout as I race against the boys and the stopwatch. Consequently, I have to fight my way through most workouts. The funny part…the annoying part…is how uncontrollably loud I am. I GRUNT…and I MOAN…and I YELL. I’ve often referred to myself as “the Monica Seles of Crossfit”. I even shout out profanities every now and then. I make all sorts of crazy noise! No one ever says a word, but I’m sure they think I’m a freak. The weird part is that it all JUST happens. It just flies out of my mouth without any thought…like I can’t control it. I realized today...when I was in there working out alone...and I STILL grunted and yelled...that it’s almost like I have Tourettes Syndrome…except it’s ONLY when I workout and it’s ONLY verbal…no tics…yet. It’s like I have “Workout Tourettes” and I wonder if I’ll ever be “cured”. Maybe one day I will learn to control it…but until then…I guess my guy friends will have to put up with me and my ridiculous noises in the gym. Sorry boys.


I found this video and thought it was hilarious! Good thing I don't go to Planet Fitness! I might be kicked out!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

...nO nEEd fOr aLcoHoL wiTh a bRaiN LiKe miNe...

My two sisters and I had plans to hang out Saturday Night…nothing too crazy…just dinner and some laughs. I spend time on the weekends with one of my sisters, S, quite often…I see the other, K, for lunch a couple of times a week, but we don't ever get together on the weekends. I was excited because it is so unusual for the three of us to get together.

We weren't sure where to go, but in the end S and I drove out to meet K at Hooters because she had decided to go there with her roommate (he's a guy!) and if we didn't, we wouldn't get to hang with her. My thought has always been…"We are chicks…so why go to Hooters?"..but really the point was to be with my sisters…so I picked Sarah up and headed to Hoots to meet K.

We walked in and K introduced us to all her friends (the"regulars" there) and all "the girls" (waitresses). So, here's the thing…the beer and Margaritas…were flowin at the table we were at…except for my spot. I was drinking Diet Coke. So you may think…how boring. You may think that I was quiet while everyone else had fun and whooped it up. WRONG!

I told jokes and stories and we all laughed until I was literally in tears a few times. K's friend Sal got up to go to the bathroom and his phone started ringing…his ringtone is the song "Right Now (Na Na Na)" by Akon. I have no clue what came over me as I was sittin on that stool…but when it went off I started singing and dancing on my stool (while still sitting of course…I'm not THAT crazy). When I did, my two sisters immediately joined in. After that, everytime Sal's phone went off…whether we were in mid conversation or what…we all stopped and sang and danced. Sal was lovin it..in fact, I was startin to think he might be callin himself with the other guy's phone under the table. It sure was mysterious how once that went down…his once quiet phone was ringin almost continually. The other hilarious thing was that my sister…who WAS drinking…a lot…ripped my pump off to show everyone that I could use the heels as a weapon…of course I played along with the demonstration..showing some kicks, etc.

K's friends had been at the table behind us, but once they left, some creepy guy came in and sat there. He kept trying to fight the urge to get involved and stare, but he couldn't help it. He enjoyed every minute of our antics while enjoying a 3 course meal...yes I said a 3 course meal...salad, stinky fish, & dessert...weird, I know. Cmon! It's Hooters dude...eat some wings or a burger! Anywho...he kept talking to himself and everytime he did, my sister, S would say, "Oh no! He's calling "the mother ship" to come pick him up!" It was makin me laugh so hard. As if all this wasn't enough, my sister S asks about the hula hoops hangin up. K said something about birthdays or something and then next thing I know, she's got one of the waitresses hula hoping and she's tryin, but it's NOT happenin. I just so happened to mention prior that I am really good at hula hoping…they remembered and started buggin me to do it. I resisted for a while. Finally...after some coaxing from a few people...I got up…thinking "Can I really do this?...in some seriously high heels?...in front of everyone?" Well, I STILL got it, because I had NO problem! I had that baby goin! I went to hang it back up and my sisters were like "I can't believe you did it!" I said my favorite line from "My Best Friend's Wedding"…"OH, I GOT MOVES YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!" That busted everyone up into hysterical laughter again! Even the policeman in there was laughin. Then K got me to show her friends at our table, Dave and Sal my "booty poppin move" that I always get tricked into showing people. It starts with the whole "What's the first thing you do on a squat?" and I say "You pop your butt back like you're closing a car door!" and then I CAN'T help myself…I demonstrate the move…"Like this! Pop…pop…pop…pop!"

I had a great time! It's funny because I don't go out that much…because I don't drink…but when I do…I'm as crazy or crazier than the folks that ARE drinking!...but in a good way…I am in control of what I do. Besides, I realized that with a brain like mine…there's no need for alcohol. My sisters even joked about it…sayin if I did I woulda been up on the "Texas shaped table" singin "Deep in the Heart of Texas" or something! Ha ha! Can you even imagine? The thought scares me!