Monday, February 4, 2008

"i'M nOt a BoY!"

It seems like girls hate me. I have had some really good girlfriends in my life, but they have been few and far between. I wasn't a sorority girl. I've never had the big group of girlfriends that hangs together on a regular basis. All the "girls" at the gym take classes together, while I prefer to lift weights and flip know..."boy stuff". They all congregate and talk to each other...but they just stare and whisper when I'm walk by. I'm not sure why it is this way...but it is. It hurts my feelings but I can't change the way people react to me. I had to accept the fact that I'm different than most girls a LONG time ago.

Most of my friends have been guys. Guys don't create drama...they don't call to ask what you're wearing...they don't need an entourage to go to the bathroom...they respect strength and calluses...and they don't hate you for trying to look your best. I'm a pretty straight forward kind of person, so it's easy for me to offend girls...most of my guy friends have always found me to be funny...a refreshing change of pace. They don't take everything so personally. We girls...we tend to personalize everything. It just feels easier...more natural for me to be friends with guys...even now. It used to be alot easier than it is now. Now it's hard because I'm a grown, married woman with children. If I am not careful, people could get the wrong idea about my friendship with a man. It stinks because we can't really go to lunch or movies. Consequently, I spend alot of my "free" time alone.

When I was younger and single, there was always the fear of someone developing a crush...but that was never much of a problem for me. Even now, when I've had good friends that were men...I've had people warn me to be careful. I always laugh it off, because I never even imagine any of these guys being attracted to me in the least. In the movie, "When Harry Met Sally", Harry says, "It's impossible for a man to be friends with a woman he finds attractive.". I think that's I always feel "safe" with my guy friends. At the same time, I question the way they see me and it affects my self esteem. It bothers me.

The thing that bothers me is that I feel like my guy friends think of me as a I'm one of their poker buddies. I don't want them to be attracted to me, but it's hard on my ego. I want to be able to be friends, but I still want them to treat me like I'm a girl...I want to feel like they see me as...feminine. It's not that they are mean to me or treat me badly in any way. It's quite the's just small things. For example, I don't want them to spit and burp in front of me...because boys don't do that in front of girls that they respect. If they care what a woman thinks, they control themselves and are on their best behavior. I feel like the men at the gym...the ones that I can "hold my own with"...and my personal trainers that I come to consider friends...don't see me as a a lady. I know alot of this is my fault...I always try to be such a bad a**...I'm always so tough. The thing is...I'm not really tough...seeming tough is my protection. It hides how vulnerable I really am...but no one else knows that so it adds to the whole "boy" thing. I wonder if I come off as masculine. I don't mean to. I feel like I'm very feminine. I wear cute, tight jeans...I get my nails done...I have flowers painted on my toes...I'm obsessed with shoes...and I almost always wear high heels and makeup. It's so frustrating, because I wonder what exactly it is that I do that makes me come off as one of the guys.

I actually have to clarify one thing...the thing is...that I want my guy friends to see me as a girl...and if they treated me as such, it would be great. HOWEVER...I would ONLY want them to do this if they could remain comfortable around me...familiar. I would never want them to behave in a super professional, proper way when it comes to me. I LOVE that they are so comfortable around me...I just wish they could see me from both sides of the spectrum. I wish they could see that even though I'm strong and I work out hard...I'm also fragile and sensitive some times. I wish they could see that even though I sweat like a boy when I'm working out...that when I come home, I take off those sweaty clothes and I shower and put on makeup and high heels. I wish that they could see that even though I try not to be a baby about things and I never demand to be waited on...I still want to have the door held for me...I still want to be protected and treated like a lady. Some days I want to scream "I'M NOT A BOY!". I don't say anything because I don't want them to do these things because I tell them to...or out of pity or duty...I want them to see past the tough exterior and I want them to see me for who I am and treat me accordingly. I guess it's impossible to have things both ways. I just wish they could see me for what I really am, because what I a girl.


W said...

just so you know... i think you are a beautiful WOMAN!!! i just know my place... and that place is as your friend which i am more than happy to be... if i was there i would probably yell at you right now... nicely of course... i hope your recovering well... take care, my prayers and thoughts are with you... W

MC said...

Awwww...and that is why you'e one of my favorite people ever! And for the record...I would be happy to be yelled at...nicely or not...just to have you back, my friend. Take care and be happy! ~M