I never have the TV on in the morning, but I fell asleep without putting the sleep timer on last night so when I woke up...the TV was still on and I never turned it off because it was quiet noise in the background of my room as I did some work on my computer. It was nice to get a break from my usual silence...nice to hear "conversation" even if it came in the form of interviews on The Today Show.
I didn't pay much attention but as I got up to feed the cat that was "crying" at my feet...there was interview beginning with Ryan O'Neal about his new memoir that he had written about his life and love affair with Farrah Fawcett. He described it as his real life "Love Story". As much as I deny it and hate it, I am a secretly hopeless romantic and I was immediately sucked in. It was fascinating to me to watch him speak. It was strange and sweet and disconnected and present. He was honest about what a turbulent relationship they had. There were stories about fights that escalated violently at times, but then he talked about her with such tenderness and love. He looked so far away when he spoke of how much he misses her and how their relationship evolved in the end before she died.
As they flashed pictures of him and Farrah on the screen and I listened to him talk, my mind wandered for a moment. I don't like to fight with people I love. I'm not a fan of unhealthy or violent relationships, but I just couldn't help but think about how sometimes the most impossible kind of love...love that can make you crazy in good and bad ways...can be so hard to find. I'm not talking about the kind of love that you can force. I'm not talking about the kind of love that makes sense or is easy. I'm not talking about the kind of love that comes up as "compatible" when you read your horoscope. I'm talking about the kind that is just there with some people...even when the odds are against you...or you are at different points in your life. It's the kind of love where your mind tells you that the practical, right, respectable thing to do is walk away, but your heart and soul beg you not to.
I don't have the answers, but I have lots of questions. Is it better to have reliable, practical love that makes sense? Is it better to have a relationship that is healthy and sturdy, but has no excitement and little passion? Or is it better to have love that tests your limits and makes no sense on paper? I guess the perfect love is somewhere in between, but it seems to be so elusive. I don't know how to get it or even if I'm worthy, but I do know what I want.
I want someone that loves the challenges that come with me being a little difficult and high maintenance at times. I want someone that appreciates my strength but also allows me to be weak and need them sometimes. I want someone that thinks my quirky ways are cute. I want someone that appreciates the fact that I will always tell you like it is and I will insist expect you stretch to become the best you can be...for me and for yourself. I want someone that values my fierce loyalty and realizes how unusual it is these days. I want someone that challenges me and even says "NO" sometimes. I want someone that impressed with my ability to argue like an experienced attorney when I feel truly passionate about something or when I desperately need to feel understood. I want someone that I can feel safe sharing my weakness with and that I can lie in bed and laugh with in the dark. I want someone that will miss me terribly when I'm gone. I don't know if I'll ever have my real life "Love Story", but somewhere deep inside...I still have a tiny glimmer of hope that I will.
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