..."i carry your heart with me..."...

"i carry your heart with me" ~ E.E. Cummings

I once  wrote a post about trying to hold grains of sand in your hands...about how difficult that is.  The harder you grasp...the more quickly it seems to run through your fingers.  Such is the case with many things in life.  We want to hold on...to force things to remain the same...but we can't because life is about change...about moving forward.  

I have had people come into my life that have forever changed it.  One person always comes to mind.  I truly consider him to be one of the best friends I have ever had...my "non romantic soulmate".  He's gone now.  He went from being the person I talked to...confided in...learned from on a daily basis...to being gone.  We still talk on the phone every few months, but our once daily texts are distant memories and our e-mails are few and far between.  It's funny how you can meet a person and feel like your souls are connected...like you have always known each other or that you are meant to know each other.  Sometimes, it's the most unlikely of people that this happens with.

You would think that I would forget...move on.  That was what I prayed for in the beginning.  I wanted the loneliness and the ache of missing my friend to go away.  It has been almost 2 years and the pain has gone from being an unbearable sting to a dull ache...one that is only apparent every now and then...only when I see or hear or remember something about him.

I love E.E. Cummings' poetry.  It is unusual and not always easily understandable.  They are no rhyming words.  There is not even much punctuation in them.  For some reason...his poetry speaks to me.  My favorite poem is "i carry your heart with me".  It is probably his most famous.  It's rainy and dark and for some reason, I felt compelled to get out my book of E.E. Cummings' poetry and look at it.  I always go to the back of the book and read my favorite first and then I go forward one at a time.  It's a strange habit, but I AM a creature of habit so I always do it the same way.

When I read this poem today, I looked up and saw a picture of me and my friend, W, running a 5K together.  I looked at the incredible smile on his face that was captured in that moment...as he ran beside me...and I thought of him.  I wondered what he's doing...far away...I wondered if he ever thinks about me.  It sounds silly but I feel like the pain in my heart is because there is a piece missing...a piece that he will always have.  My heart has healed, but there is still a scar.  I guess it will always be a little tender.  I wondered if he feels the same missing piece that I feel...because in all honesty...I do feel as though I do carry a piece of his heart with me.

I'm able to bear the pain, because he taught me to.  He taught me to push past my self imposed limitations and to stop being afraid.  Sometimes I feel like I was reborn when I met him...he helped me find my true self...the one that had been buried and hidden.  He made me strong...he prepared me to live without him...and so while I still wish he were here...I move forward...and I remind myself that a piece of him is always right here with me...in my heart.

My hope is that anyone who reads this...that may be sad...or missing someone...or feeling that dull ache in their heart...will realize this too.  Distance or death or circumstances may separate us...but we always carry a piece of those we care about with us.