Saturday, June 28, 2008

...i uNdeRsTaNd...

“YOUR WORST DAYS ARE NEVER SO BAD THAT YOU ARE BEYOND THE REACH OF GOD'S GRACE, AND YOUR BEST DAYS ARE NEVER SO GOOD THAT YOU'RE BEYOND THE NEED OF GOD'S GRACE.”
--------------------------Anonymous--------------------------


Everyone has those days. Some of us just have more than others. When I say "those days", I'm referring to days where it seems no matter how hard you try...you can't do anything right...no matter how hard you work...it isn't hard enough...no matter how nice you try to be...the favor is not returned...and then in the end when all else fails, and you decide to ignore it...to keep putting one foot in front of the other...and to try and stay positive or to hold back the tears...it becomes impossible to do so and you suffer yet another failure. "YOU'RE A LOSER!" Those are the words I hear in my head on days like that...days like today.

I'm trying so hard to do something. It's really difficult for me to put myself out there...to step outside of my comfort zone...to make mistakes and know there are more to come, but I know that growth and change can only come if I continue to try...no matter how hard it may seem. When I try and I fail in these times or when I let other people down in the process...it is indescribable...crushing even. I've NEVER wished for fame or fortune...I've NEVER expected special treatment...I just want to feel loved...like I'm worth the air I breathe. It sounds dramatic...negative...exaggerated. A friend once said that I am the most negative person he's ever met. I couldn't defend myself...I know it is true. Even still...he compliments me and reminds me that "I CAN..." It builds me up. That's why I call him a friend.

So many times...things are not as they appear...or seem to be. Anyone who saw me today...standing...laughing...cheering...talking probably thought I was feeling confident...comfortable. I wasn't. I'm a pretty good actress when I need to be. I was scared and unsure...nervous...but I pushed forward. I thought that I had done it...that I had been successful to a certain degree. I was aware of my shortcomings, but still I tried to believe that I did well,...and then I was made aware. It was like a Peanuts cartoon when an adult speaks. The criticism was clear...all the other words were background noise...unrecognizable. I was holding on to the hope that in the end, I would hear "good job"...that amongst all the "wrongs" there was a "right"...at least ONE. No such luck...not today.

I was told that I don't understand. If only he knew. I don't need details to understand. I understand. He is the one that does not understand. He would regret his words if he knew my secrets...if he knew how I truly DO...understand.

1 comment:

kathy said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your effort and time every time we work out and what an incredible job you do. You will see the results soon and have such a sense of accomplishment, that no one can take away from you. We will work hard and be successful and that is what is important. I love you so much Sis.