...tHe bEsT oF Me...

My friend once said, "My music is the soundtrack of my life." I've often thought that it would be so cool to have music play in the background...as I go through my day...just like in the movies. Music is so powerful...it can enlighten...it can enrage...it can calm...it can motivate...it can bring out a whole range of emotions...and it can bring the most complicated situation into focus.

I like all kinds of music and I listen to music a lot. Everyday while I put on make up and do my hair...everyday when I do my cardio...everyday in the car...I listen to music. I'm going through some inner turmoil and confusion. I feel drained and I almost feel like I've forgotten who I am in my quest to become more. I was on the phone with my husband the other day and I said, "I just need a break...I just need to loosen the noose...". I immediately thought of a line in a song that I like to listen to when I workout..."The Best Of You" by The Foo Fighters. This song is truly the soundtrack of how I feel right now.

Once...a long time ago...when I was working out...my friend told me to jump up, grab the pull up bar, get my chin over, and hang with my legs straight for as long as I could. I did...and I struggled and winced and squirmed to keep my chin above the bar as soon as it got uncomfortable. Another trainer and his client were watching me. When I fell from the bar and got ready to try again, the other trainer said, "Don't screw up your face and wiggle your legs. When you do that, you take the energy that you need to hold yourself up and transfer it somewhere else." What a metaphor for life. I'm taking the energy that I NEED...to improve myself...and I'm using it to struggle in the attempt to "hang on"...when if I would let the pain and fear and frustration go...I would have what I need "to keep my chin up" and hang on a little longer. I've been giving away the best of me...

TODAY I'M TAKING IT BACK.

...mEnTaL pAraLySiS...

I remember the day...not so long ago...that my trainer tried to teach me an exercise...an Olympic lift...the Push Jerk. It's a complicated...advanced movement...one that is difficult to teach and even more difficult to learn. I stood there...feeling extreme pressure. I knew people were watching...and I had been given the instructions...over and over and over. I had failed...many times...and I was afraid. There are so many movements involved that my mind was racing...dip...drive up...open the hips...small jump...not too big...fall under the bar...full extension of the arms. I just stood there...mind racing...staring at myself in the mirror...no words...no movement. It seemed like forever and I knew I needed to go...to try again...to move. Suddenly, I almost felt as though I had stepped outside myself. I was thinking, "Why am I just standing here? Why can't I move?" I could see my trainer's face reflected in the mirror...puzzled look...dead silence. Eventually I did try...again...only to fail...again.

As I sat down to journal my training progress for the day...frustrated...I replayed those events in my mind. I tried to make sense of what had happened. I have never been frozen like that before. It literally felt like I was paralyzed...and in retrospect...I have come to realize that I WAS...paralyzed. I was thinking so hard and I was so scared...that I suffered from mental paralysis. I also realized that this was not the first time that this had happened...it was just the first time I had become aware of it.

I started reading the book, "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson. Yesterday, I came across a passage that reminded me of this experience and helped give me some better understanding of why this had happened to me. This is what it said...

"A lot of us know we have what it takes-the looks, the education, the talent, the credentials. But in certain areas, we're paralyzed. We're not stopped by something on the outside, but by something on the inside. Our oppression is internal. The government isn't holding us back, or hunger or poverty. We're not afraid we'll get sent to Siberia. We're just afraid, period. Our fear is free floating. We're afraid this isn't the right relationship or we're afraid it is. We're afraid they won't like us, or we're afraid they will. We're afraid of failure or we're afraid of success. We're afraid of dying young or we're afraid of growing old. We're more afraid of life than we are of death."

I was recently given an opportunity...a chance to do something. I have stressed out...cried...and been excited by the possibilities that it could bring. I have known that it won't be easy...but I have also known that it is the right thing to do. It's just that...I was paralyzed...with fear.

It's hard to step into the dark...not knowing what I'll encounter...but to reach the light at the end of the tunnel...I know that I have to walk through that dark tunnel. I'm really scared, but I'm not paralyzed anymore. After the encouragement of a dear friend...I took the first step. It's dark and I'm nervous and I don't know what to expect...but I am trying my best to focus on the light and move towards it. I am fighting the inner voices that tell me that I can't...that say "What will others think?". I know that as long as I can take the smallest steps...as long as I can "wiggle my toes"...I'm not paralyzed...and that gives me hope.