grains of sand...

Have you ever tried to hold grains of sand in your fist and carry it with you? It seems that no matter how hard you try, or how careful you are...whether you're gentle or forceful...eventually the sand slips through your fingers and it's gone. You can try over and over again, but the result is always the same.

Sometimes I feel like everything I love; want; care about is just like sand. I see it. I want it. I work to get it, and just when it seems that it is mine, it slips away and it's gone. I always thought that if I wanted something bad enough, and worked hard enough....if I was a loyal friend and a loving companion, that I could hold onto the people and things that I care about. I thought I could control my destiny; my future; my happiness.

It's taken me 37 years to realize that I have no control. I can share, but I can't make others give in return. I can trust, but I can't make others trustworthy. I can love, but I can't make others love me back. I cannot control anything. Just like that handful of sand, the more I try to control; the tighter I try to hold on...the faster the grains slip through my fingers until it's all gone and I'm empty handed; alone. I can cry. I can wish. I can want. I can try. I can beg. I can plead. I can work. But in the end, it's not up to me.

In the past, I've given up, become bitter; angry even. I've built a wall and shut people out of my life. The wall has been a shield to protect my heart. You see, I thought if I protected my heart that I would free myself from the pain, but I was wrong. When I shut people out, I don't shut out the pain. I merely trade one type of pain for another. I trade the pain of loss for the pain of loneliness and regret.

Is it worse to lose love, or to never know love? Is it worse to be betrayed by a friend, or to never have enjoyed the joy of friendship? Is it worse to say goodbye, or to have no one to say good bye to? When I lose someone I love; when I have to say goodbye, the pain is overwhelming. It consumes my thoughts like a storm cloud that darkens the sky and hides the sun. The sun is still there, but it's light is replaced with darkness and therefore changes the way I see things around me.

I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way. I cannot control my circumstances or people, or the "clouds" in my life, but I can control how I feel. I can choose. I can choose to be happy in spite of my hurt. I can choose to learn from my mistakes. I can choose to be grateful for the time I have had with those I love and have lost. I can choose to take a chance again and again...a chance on love, friendship; a chance at happiness. I can choose to be grateful for the time I had to hold onto that which I love, just as I can enjoy the feel of the sand in my fist before it slips away.

So as much as it hurts, as impossible as it seems, as afraid as I am, I will not stop allowing myself to let people into my life. I will not waste the precious time I have with those I love, fearing the time when they will leave me. I will want and I will get. I will say hello and I will learn to care again...and again...and again. And every time that I go to the the beach and I take a handful of sand and watch it fall back to the ground, I will choose to cherish the opportunity that I had to feel the sand in my hands and the time I had with the people I cared for.