..."i carry your heart with me..."...

"i carry your heart with me" ~ E.E. Cummings

I once  wrote a post about trying to hold grains of sand in your hands...about how difficult that is.  The harder you grasp...the more quickly it seems to run through your fingers.  Such is the case with many things in life.  We want to hold on...to force things to remain the same...but we can't because life is about change...about moving forward.  

I have had people come into my life that have forever changed it.  One person always comes to mind.  I truly consider him to be one of the best friends I have ever had...my "non romantic soulmate".  He's gone now.  He went from being the person I talked to...confided in...learned from on a daily basis...to being gone.  We still talk on the phone every few months, but our once daily texts are distant memories and our e-mails are few and far between.  It's funny how you can meet a person and feel like your souls are connected...like you have always known each other or that you are meant to know each other.  Sometimes, it's the most unlikely of people that this happens with.

You would think that I would forget...move on.  That was what I prayed for in the beginning.  I wanted the loneliness and the ache of missing my friend to go away.  It has been almost 2 years and the pain has gone from being an unbearable sting to a dull ache...one that is only apparent every now and then...only when I see or hear or remember something about him.

I love E.E. Cummings' poetry.  It is unusual and not always easily understandable.  They are no rhyming words.  There is not even much punctuation in them.  For some reason...his poetry speaks to me.  My favorite poem is "i carry your heart with me".  It is probably his most famous.  It's rainy and dark and for some reason, I felt compelled to get out my book of E.E. Cummings' poetry and look at it.  I always go to the back of the book and read my favorite first and then I go forward one at a time.  It's a strange habit, but I AM a creature of habit so I always do it the same way.

When I read this poem today, I looked up and saw a picture of me and my friend, W, running a 5K together.  I looked at the incredible smile on his face that was captured in that moment...as he ran beside me...and I thought of him.  I wondered what he's doing...far away...I wondered if he ever thinks about me.  It sounds silly but I feel like the pain in my heart is because there is a piece missing...a piece that he will always have.  My heart has healed, but there is still a scar.  I guess it will always be a little tender.  I wondered if he feels the same missing piece that I feel...because in all honesty...I do feel as though I do carry a piece of his heart with me.

I'm able to bear the pain, because he taught me to.  He taught me to push past my self imposed limitations and to stop being afraid.  Sometimes I feel like I was reborn when I met him...he helped me find my true self...the one that had been buried and hidden.  He made me strong...he prepared me to live without him...and so while I still wish he were here...I move forward...and I remind myself that a piece of him is always right here with me...in my heart.

My hope is that anyone who reads this...that may be sad...or missing someone...or feeling that dull ache in their heart...will realize this too.  Distance or death or circumstances may separate us...but we always carry a piece of those we care about with us.

..."cUss mOnKeY"...

I've been sick and today I finally feel good. I usually keep goin when I'm sick, but I had a couple of days that I felt really bad...so bad that I couldn't keep going like I wanted to. I spent a lot of time alone in bed..just me and my thoughts and worries and just over all crazy musings on life in general. I went to put my glass of water on the coaster that is on my nightstand during one of those days and noticed a post it note that my son had stuck there. It said, "I love you, Mom. You are the best Mom ever!" Of course I thought it was incredibly sweet, but it also got me thinkin about what makes a "good Mom".

I'm different than a lot of Moms I know. We eat out a lot. I'm almost ALWAYS in heels. I don't generally sit at home baking cookies and working on PTA functions. I am off running and flipping tires...lifting weights...and doing other things that I enjoy and that I feel will make me an "improved version of myself".

I try hard to be a good, responsible Mom...I really do...and for the most part I succeed in the areas that really matter.  I love my kids..and they know it.  I tell them often and I am very affectionate towards them physically.  I taught them their ABCs and 123s...read them bedtime stories...still tuck them each in every night.  They always have food to eat...usually of the restaurant variety...but it's food nontheless...sorta...and they always have a clean house and clean clothes.  I can go on and on about birthday parties and family vacations and teaching them to be good moral people, but you get the point.  With that being said...I screw up too.  

I'm ALWAYS late...to everything...all the time.  There have been many times that I was having lunch with my kids at school and I come running around the corner 5 minutes late with a huge purse flopping on my shoulder...3 inch heels...blonde hair flyin...clutching a bag of McDonald's in my french tipped fingers only to see a little child...mine...standing in the cafeteria...waiting...eyes scanning...looking for me.  I always tell them, "I'm sorry.  I'm always late, but you KNOW I'll ALWAYS be here if I say I will be."  They smile and say "I know Mommy."  I'm also really forgetful which can lead to a bit of chaos at times...like when you forget a science project until a few days before it's due and you now have to try and find a way to create an project that can be tested and proven practically instantaneously.  If I'm getting ready and I need something...it's not uncommon for me to walk out naked to get it...I don't really know how my kids feel about this but it probably is a little strange...especially when I stop to have a conversation with one of them.  I'm a passionate person..eventhough in certain circumstances I may seem reserved.  I feel things to the extreme and I tend to forget that I'm not in a bubble and that there are in fact other people around...watching me.  When I laugh...sometimes it's loud...a "cackle" as my 13 yr old daughter calls it.  I do it in the movies...at restaurants...while reading birthday cards in Target.  I know it embarrasses my kids at times, but I remind them that I am their Mom and "that's my job!" and unfortunately for them...the embarrassment doesn't always stop there.  I've been known to demonstrate workout moves...dance...do impressions...whatever...all "in public".  

I guess one of my worst traits is that I cuss.  I don't know how it got started or who I got it from, but I affectionately refer to myself as a "Cuss Monkey".  I don't drop "f bombs" but there are cuss words that I just tend to use...a lot.  My oldest child is what I like to call a "straight arrow" so I know I shock her and probably disappoint her at times.  She's JUST LIKE her dad.  It's black and white.  It almost seems easier for them to do the "right thing"...the "appropriate thing" than it is to be human and screw up like the rest of us.  I live in multiple shades of grey.  My mouth gets me in trouble and sometimes...many times...I forget to filter what I say.  If I stub my toe...you WILL hear "S***!"

My husband doesn't cuss...opposites attract right?  It drives him crazy that I do.  I don't think it bothers him so much when a word flies out if I stub my toe...what he hates is when I use a cuss word as a descriptive word or even as a noun.  For example, let's take one of my most used words...B****.  I use it in place of woman...girl...wife.  When I was mad about an issue that I was having with a friend, I said to my husband..."He needs to get his b**** under control!"  If I'm leaving my sisters, I may say "Bye bye b****es!"  If I wanna pass someone going to slow on the highway, it's "Move b****!  Get out the way!  Get out the way! Get out the way, b****!"  I don't mean it in a disrespectful way...I even talk about myself this way.  Just yesterday, I was getting ready and when I slipped my favorite tight jeans on and my new sexy leopard heels on...I asked my husband "How do I look?"...he said, "You look great!"...I replied, "I am one hot b**** today!  Aren't I?!?"  I found it to be terribly funny...threw my head back and laughed ("cackled")  My husband didn't join in...instead he said, "You know I hate that word."

So, I do my best not to be completely inappropriate in front of my kids...and I TRY not to let the cuss words fly...but inevitably it happens from time to time.  My kids love me for who I am and for the most part are entertained by my craziness...but I do worry from time to time if being a "cuss monkey" makes me a bad Mom...because try as I might...I don't know that I'll ever get THIS monkey off my back.